DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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