What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
