I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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