Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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