oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
