i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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