your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
