They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
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