hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
