I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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