Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
