ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Randomize
