I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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