Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
