I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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