so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I think my moral compass just broke
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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