it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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