i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
