so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
