my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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