I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
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