I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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