You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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