I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
