I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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