does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I looked at my own cervix.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
