capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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