so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize