Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
