First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
