my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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