Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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