Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
