I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
