I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
