if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
