her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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