I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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