When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Randomize
