Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
