some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
