if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
