Betty ford says i'm here all night
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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