um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
