like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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