I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
