I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
