I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
