Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
