You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
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