This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
