We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
