I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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