I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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