You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
