Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
