Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize