how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
