You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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