it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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