cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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