I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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