Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize