1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
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