no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
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