yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
